The Power of No

It all depends on the person and the situation

Lately there’s been a slew of articles in online publications such as NYT’s The Morning, several newsletters I subscribe to, and NPR’s life hacks emails urging readers to say Yes more often in life. Yes to new experiences, visits to places, staying in touch with people from way back, reading-listening-viewing new genres, trying new foods…even writers as young as mid-30’s seem to find this a challenge sometimes. Some attribute it to habits acquired during Covid quarantine, others to information and opportunity overwhelm. Without newness and experimentation, they write, we get stale and cinched it. One author put it as “attached to my routine like a mollusk.”

Agreed, saying yes more often can be beneficial for some. But for those who say it too often and without any sort of forethought, a bit more No may be called for. It all depends on the person and the situation. Years ago I saw a t-shirt in an NPR merch catalogue: Stop me before I volunteer again. I know a few people who could use that shirt.

Until recently women who were raised in certain segments of American culture were conditioned to be agreeable and not rock boats. And some personality types, women and men, are inclined towards it by nature. These people are often what I think of as Accommodators and Pillars. Accommodators will cede all their personal preferences, wishes or even needs to others. Pillars are the ones everyone leans on; they’re always supposed to be strong. Families can have hidebound roles in which some members are designated takers and others are expected to endlessly give. But friendships, colleague relationships and groups can also fall into this pattern.

One woman I’ve known for years is both an Accommodator and a Pillar. She was raised by a mean spirited, unloving mother, and (just my guess - I’m not a therapist) has spent her entire adult life trying to create the family she didn’t have as a child. She allows her now-elderly mother, abusive brother, adult children that include two mentally challenged sons, and her grandchildren to tug her leash. Trying to plan catchup visits with her are always iffy because chances are excellent that she’ll “have to” be the emergency babysitter, taxi service, appointment maker, CNA, personal shopper or cook. Her friends who’ve known her for 15-20 years, including me, sense the manipulation but she either doesn’t see it or she believes that if she says no, she’ll lose whatever bond she has with the family member, and thereby, any chance at finally creating the family of her dreams. Maybe it’s impossible for any of us to recognize certain tendencies in ourselves; some patterns are easier for others to see.

Saying no can risk losing friends or connections, although if the relationship has been one-sided the loss might not be a bad thing in the end. My husband T. had been getting together several times a year with both a former coworker (usually breakfast) and a with college friend (drinks), both of whom live in Portland. Two years ago, in both cases, when the subject of visits came up, in both cases he suggested meeting here in Vancouver instead (newsflash: Vancouver has restaurants!). He never heard from either friend again. Although he’s still disappointed, he mentioned that it told him something he needed to know about the relationships.

If qualities such as reciprocity, a certain level of committment or open communication don’t have a history in a relationship, it may be hard to develop them later. Iyanla Vanzant, author / speaker, said during her interview on the public radio show New Dimensions that “When you shift, people will shift with you or they’ll fall out of your life.” AA members often find this out when they have to make an entirely new set of friends who don’t drink. Making any kind of shift can be hard, and part of it might include figuring what one is willing and unwilling to give up. It will be different for everyone.

Setting boundaries or new conditions can feel hard for those who aren’t used to it. It gets easier with practice. Two tips from a social worker friend helped me: 1) “No” is a complete sentence; in many cases you don’t owe an explanation, and 2) You only need to say it once.

Juggling yes and no is like the cycles of night/day, summer/winter or yin/yang: too much of either side creates imbalance. Figuring out a personal way of balancing takes effort but eventually pays off in a life that feels more honest.